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December 17th, 2009
07:36 am
For the two of you who noticed I was gone, I undeleted because I'm anticipating an email from someone via LJ within the next week or so.
For the rest of you, I deleted my journal about a month ago. No one really noticed, nor did I expect them to.
Apparently this whole month has been "remind molly that she's worthless and means nothing to anyone" month. (not because nobody noticed my journal being gone; i wouldn't have noticed either.) everyone i care about hates me.
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) bohemea, wily_one24, artemis_rain and cabarethaze are on mail watch. maybe other people too; i can't remember what i've sent. i have more for more people, but i'm sick of mailing things.
the stupid cat leapt onto my face last night and landed squarely on my left eye with all her weight, and i mean directly on the eyeball itself. it hurts to blink.
my dad's doing horribly. not that anyone's asked after him.
good to see you all again. i'll be around for as long as it takes for that email to arrive, or a week, whichever comes first, because god only knows if it'll come at all. wouldn't surprise me.
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November 21st, 2009
06:59 am
He totally didn't do it. Really. He was framed.
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05:25 am
happy birthday squishy.
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November 20th, 2009
11:46 am
i hate this sucking "i'm never going to be happy again" feeling in my chest.
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November 19th, 2009
11:21 pm
since people have been asking what to get me for christmas this year - nothing. there's nothing i want that anyone can give me. unless you've discovered a cure for cancer, a great pro bono lawyer or a way to make me lovable, i mean. because if you've figured those things out, i'd like those.
really, though, there's nothing i want.
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08:46 pm
dad goes to the oncologist tomorrow. gets the feeding tube monday. starts treatment on tuesday.
the two people i thought i could rely on to support me through this aren't here. better things to do, y'see.
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12:16 am
I've been intensely miserable for a few days now, so I completely forgot to do a birthday post for Lisa. I hope it was a great one. I miss you tons and love you lots.
To make up for the lateness, have a ton of cakes.
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November 18th, 2009
04:34 pm
Life is weird. I added one of my LJ buddies on facebook, only to find that ex I met in the loony bin on her friends cycle thingy. Turns out they're BFFs.
I love shit like this. Funny, too, how I was just saying the other day how I'm friends with all my exes but that one. Not that I have a grudge or anything - I just never knew how to get in touch with her.
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November 17th, 2009
11:09 pm
i don't understand myself sometimes. actually most of the time. those of you who've known me for more than a minute and a half know that i don't forgive. like, ever, at all. i take grudges to my grave. it's not something i like about myself, and it's something i've tried to figure out how to change (no luck yet, any ideas?), but it's there.
but i never fall out of love with people, ever. it's weird because so much of the time i feel like i've got no love left in me, that it's all been used up, but it's really true. everyone i've ever been in love with, i still am. always will be. not in the pathetic sense - i'm okay with not being with the majority of these people. i don't know how to explain it, exactly. it just never goes away. even if i stop feeling it after i've cut them off for a length of time, it's still there when i go back. also not in a creepy stalkery way. i don't know how to say it so that i don't sound insane. it's more the feeling that if any of them ever wanted to try it again, i can't imagine saying no. the feeling that my life would genuinely be incomplete without any of them in it in some capacity. again, even if i don't feel it when they're NOT there, when they come back (and for some reason, they always do, even if it's by a complete accident *waves to aphrodite_mine*) it's like...you know how when you have a sore muscle and you can't NOT walk on it, so you just keep at it and eventually you get so used to it hurting that you don't feel it any more, but then when you suddenly realize that it's STOPPED hurting it's like "holy shit, that's right, this is how it's supposed to feel?"
maybe the reason for that is that i don't fall in love easily. and the people i do fall in love with all tend to be extraordinary in some way. the kind of people you can't forget.
(my most beloved Britta was diagnosed with breast cancer last week. she's obnoxiously healthy and only thirty years old. kind of makes me want to stop even trying, you know? she'll be fine. but it still sucks.)
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/niaha/kitty/anksadg.gif) sad
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10:57 pm
i've been spending a lot of time just sobbing today. fin kept butting his head into my face and nuzzling me.
the biopsy seems to have gone okay but they're keeping him overnight just in case.
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09:15 pm
2+ days, still not hungry.
guess there's an upside to this after all.
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09:05 pm
my mom's advice? "try to cheer up." great.
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08:14 pm
the person i rely on most is going away for almost a month.
my day just keeps getting better.
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04:02 pm
my father's lung biopsy is today. there's a chance it could kill him.
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01:26 am
I have never kissed a pretty girl.
Sometimes this thought makes me sad - mostly because I don't think I'll be kissing anyone ever again.
(Sometimes that's a good thing, though. I still haven't quite recovered from that one girl who kissed like she'd learned how from the family dog. Ew.)
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November 16th, 2009
11:43 pm
I love that I'm still so ghetto pagan that I'm using a thumbtack and a dollar store emergency blackout candle for a ritual.
I may get older, but I rarely change.
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10:04 pm
Oh, and I've given myself a delightful abscess on my FACE. It hurts.
And of course, no emails tonight. Shock of shocks.
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09:02 pm
It helps to have people who can help you put things into perspective.
Even if it means realizing that you were never that special or important to begin with.
No health insurance, no one to care about, no hope, a dying father, a friend just diagnosed with cancer, harassment from lunatics, a full bottle of wine and an almost-full bottle of sleeping pills. Right now, that's pretty much all I've got.
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03:33 pm
And now I have no health insurance.
Fuck it, I quit.
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02:17 pm
A bit ironic, really. Someone who kept telling me how vital hope was allowed me to hope, then took it all away from me.
Please don't feed me that crap about how I'll find someone else. I don't actively seek people in that way - it just sometimes happens that I meet people I want to be with.
Heh. At least the last person who pulled the "I like you but I don't want to be with you because I met someone nearby" thing had the decency to email me before livejournaling about it.
Can't eat, can't drink, can't sleep.
Also one of the people from the perv patrol website emailed me on OKCupid trying to hook up. How do you gently tell someone "I appreciate the thought, but I actually don't want to go out molesting children with you, srry."
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